Friday, February 25, 2011

The Night Before (John) Sterling

Tomorrow marks the 2011 debut of Yanks baseball on the radio, and the return of John Sterling. Which makes tonight:

The Night Before Sterling

‘Twas the night before Sterling, when all through the house,

Each creature was fearing, what would spring from his mouth;

For tomorrow he sits in his Yank’s broadcast chair,

And starts a new season of spewing hot air;

The radios were tuned to the Yankee’s network,

Just awaiting the s**t that would emit from this jerk;

I took out my jersey, I put on my cap,

And finally awoke from my long winter’s nap;

When out of the radio, there rose such a clatter;

As Sterling had started his mind-numbing patter;

He’s always mistaking, what are strikes and are balls,

And makes efforts painstaking, on his home run calls;

On Jeter, on Text, on Jolly Saint Nick,

On my nerves, for quite frankly, he’s making me sick;

Is it fair? Is it foul? Is it over the wall?

He’s calls are like noses, he blows one and all;

But this game is a tough one, there’s just no explaining,

And while he makes little sense, there’s no sense complaining;

So here I exclaim, whilst full of derision;

Click off your radio, and watch television!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The John Sterling Effect

Yep Listen to him enought and this is what happens:

P.S. This is NOT me :)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Four Days till John Sterling Returns

The Yankees broadcast schedule is out and we only have four days left till the return of John Sterling to the airwaves. Talk about mixed emotions. The thrill of Yankee baseball tempered by the agony of having to listen to John Sterling.

Word is that the Vegas bookmakers are adding Sterlingisms to their offerings. Here are some of the most recent odds:

Sterling reacts to an exhibition win over the Twins as if the Yanks won another pennant - 4:1
Sterling sings a song from a Broadway musical – 7:1
Sterling mispronounces a player’s name – Even

Plus, here are the over/unders for some Sterling utterances (per game):

Sterling says spring training games are meaningless – 31
Sterling says spring stats are meaningless – 18
Sterling says spring stats are meaningless, and then proceeds to talk about spring stats – 6

A lot can happen in four days. Maybe Sterling will get an offer to appear in Spider-man on Broadway and leave the Yankees before Opening Day. Wait…they’ve had enough trouble as it is.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Final Countdown?

Such mixed emotions. Like most baseball fans, I am thrilled that spring training is here. Visions of sugar plums dancing in my head have been replaced by visions on yet another World Series championship (or, at the very least, visions of a solid third and fourth starter).

Like most Yankees fans, my joy is tempered by the fact that I am facing another season of listening to John Sterling. The man mangles calls. The man mispronounces names (sometimes twice in the same sentence). The man sings when he should talk. The man talks when he should shut up. But every cloud has a silver lining.

Is this the last year of Sterling?

The Yankees contract with their flagship radio station, WCBS-AM, expires after this season. And with it, so do the contracts of Sterling and Snoozin’ Waldman, possibly the worst broadcast duo in baseball.

You know that Hank S. will be shopping the rights looking for the very best deal. If that deal is found elsewhere, will the new broadcast partner resign Sterling and Waldman? Probably not. Even if the Yanks stay with CBS, the broadcast brass there must realize that the fans have had it. The home run calls and ego-driven chatter have gone stale. It is time for a change.

Here’s hoping that this is the final countdown. Here’s hoping that the 2012 Yankees bring new announcers to their radio team.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Play Ball!

The mercury is approaching the 70s in NYC today. Spring is in the air and the Boys of Summer are down south warming up for another season of baseball. While there are big concerns about the starting rotation, sadly one rotation will stay intact. Yes, Yankee fans, it looks like we will have to endure another summer of John Sterling and Snoozin’ Waldman.

I too, am gearing up for another season of blown calls and ego-driven broadcasts. I look forward to your comments, insults and suggestions (and the witty banter of Grumpus).

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

John Sterling: Stuck in the 80s

In tonight’s loss to the Blue Jays, as an errant throw rolled into the outfield, the ever-current John Sterling remarked that the throw would have even been “over Kareem’s head.”

How timely, a 2010 reference to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, the six-time NBA MVP who retired in…wait for it…1989. That’s 1989, as in 21 YEARS AGO, proving yet again that Sterling exists in some sort of nonsensical time warp.

Monday, August 2, 2010

John Sterling’s Home Run Call for Lance Berkman

OK, so my affinity for Lance Berkman goes back to his early days as a roto stud. I am glad to see him in pinstripes, but the joy of a lefty off the bench is tempered by the fact that this means John Sterling gets to create yet another inane home run call. What will Sterling come up with now? A Berkman Blast? Lance Left the Field. What home run call will the “Jerk Man” create for the Berkman?

Friday, July 30, 2010

John Sterling Hall of Shame

A few comments down, our resident Sterling Savant (that’s you Mr. Grumpus) spoke of the day when statues would be erected in honor of the Voice of the Yankees. Such a horrific thought reminded me that, shortly after The Boss passed on, the airwaves were buzzing with conjecture about whether he would every make it to the Hall of Fame. At that time, a friend turned to me and asked “Do you think Sterling would ever get in?”

I froze.

Suddenly I felt like a helpless victim in an Edgar Allan Poe story. Putting the words “Sterling” and Hall of Fame” in the same sentence was worse than hearing the Raven's “nevermore” AND the beating of the Tell Tale Heart at the same time.

Could it ever happen? I hope not, but hope is not a strategy. Together, we must devise an action plan to make sure Professor Sterling never, ever, EVER lands in Cooperstown. Post, respond, e-mail me. Rack your brains for ideas and then tell me…how can we keep this man out???

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

John Sterling in Double Trouble

Sure John Sterling is infamous for mispronouncing player’s names, but saying the same player’s name two different ways in the same sentence may be a first!

Cut to Tuesday night’s game in Cleveland when, in the same breath, Sterling referred to Indians' catcher Chris Gimenez as both (phonetically) Him-en-ez AND Gym-en-ez. Professor Sterling must have been to preoccupied coming up with more coinkydinks to share.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

John Sterling KNOWS He Makes No Sense

News Flash: Even John Sterling thinks John Sterling makes no sense!

During tonight’s post-game show, the Voice of the Yankees said he wanted to treat us (and Snoozin’ Waldman) to a few coincidences (or “coinkydinks” in Sterling Speak). He then proceeded to list a few statistics that, for the most part, had nothing in common.

First, Sterling compared tonight’s attendance to last night’s (they were different). Then, he compared the time of game from yesterday to today (they were different). Finally, he pointed out that yesterday, Yankee pitchers struck out six and…wait for it…tonight Yankee pitchers struck out six!

A .333 average is great for a hitter, but in the world of coincidence hunting, it’s no great shakes.

Then, as if by way of explanation, Sterling stated “Now you may ask what this all means.” Well, yes John, I do. His answer? “Nothing,” he said. “It means nothing!” Finally, he realizes what Yankee fans have known for quite some time. His observations are worthless.