Tuesday, May 4, 2010

City of Brotherly Love

This is a little off topic, but last night Phillies security tasered a 17-year-old fan who jumped the fence and started running around the field at Citizens Bank Park. Was this overkill or did the fan get what he deserved?

I am all for the separation of players and fans, but this seems a bit over the top. Here's a video, what do you think?


  1. Tasering was too easy for this slackjaw. He was all hopped up on skunked beer and cheese steaks and hell bent for maniacal rampaging. Luckily for baseball fans all he was ruining was a Phillies-Cardinals game and not NY Yankee baseball or he'd feel my wrath and a few choice slaps from my catcher's mitt-sized meaty paws. Tasering would've felt like a mere bumblebee sting after I'd thrashed him around. Baseball should introduce drawing and quartering to unrulies who ransack our hallowed game. That would put an end to the tomfoolery quicker'n you can say "Jack Robinson", I'd wager. Violaters should be torn into bits by baseball's over-roided mustang-sized behemoths like McGuire, Canseco, Barry Bonds and Juan Gonzalez, each mightily pulling towards a different compass point until the offending fool is dispatched and his remains ground into "all beef franks." This would be glorious death and compelling radio.

    Better still, d&q makes me wonder how JOHN STERLING! would play by play that action and how wondrous it would sound on the nightly broadcast. Sweet melodies to my ears. I imagine it would be brought to you by Roadrunner Cable--the quickest high-speed internet connection and the quickest high speed drawing and quartering. I marvel at the thought and the delieriously apt product placement. Let JOHN STERLING! shout such rhapsodies from thu-uh-uh highest mount. Only JOHN STERLING! has the requistie gravitas for this task. Please keep America clean! Stop these drunkards from degrading our national pastime-by any means necessary! The threat of grievous physical violence is but a start. Garr--oooo!!!!

  2. Or to punish him even moe, make him listen to a John Sterling broadcast over and over and over and over and...

  3. A. Grumpiss (!:!!)May 20, 2010 at 4:48 PM

    That's the rehabilitation the lad deserves. An endless loop of STERLING! broadcasts would elevate this diseased scamp's spirit and put him on the level path of the righteous and holy. JOHN STERLING!'s voice has, as is well documented in last month's Scientific American, been known to make flowers bloom more robustly--his voice contains a audio-tropism that plants just cannot resist. Where is that being reported in your mainstream media outlets, I ask you? The dulcet tones of STERLING!! have also been said to aid pregnant women in coming to term--STERLING speaks and the waters break! He's the rising tide that raises all ships. So I'm positive that a steady diet of STERLING! drilled into undersized crania would curb the wilding impulses of wayward youth and get them back on the straight and narrow--just imagine! a path that would look like pinstripes carved thru-out the very purple majesties of our great land. O lordy, JOHN STERLING!!'s better than saltpetre. More efficacious than castor oil. And he's free. On the radio for 2/3 of a calendar year.

    We live in glorious times, it is true.